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SGA Request ficlet # 3: Never Anything But

Title: Never Anything But
Prompt: onthecontrary. john/rodney that somehow involves ford and bates; which is like saying, perhaps a drabble set in season one, if you don't mind? because fuck, if people don't love ford and/or bates, what sort of people are they? something funny as opposed to angsty, if at all possible; like, ummm, someone walking in on something bizarre and the misconceptions that might ensue? and if you want to toss in a joke about john acting like a woman, well. we all know how much i love that sort of thing.
Word count: 1114
Summary: “I’m not a woman.”
A/N: dudes, I'm just... sorry.

Never Anything But


After six months in Pegasus, weird happenings stopped feeling so weird. Which might’ve worried John if he thought it’d make any sort of difference, but, really, he figured half-ascended beings were par for the course, as well as the occasional field of sex pollen, drugged-out ritual, donning of ceremonial macramé, command performance of interpretive dances, etc. But.

John was frozen stock-still, gazing into his own hazel eyes, and it was damn creepy. “Rodney,” he drawled out slowly, a warning growl couched with a measure of stunned awe.

“Relax, Major, it’s an interactive holographic simulation,” Rodney said, half his mouth quirked up. “Smile for your mama, Timothy.”

Half of the hologram’s mouth quirked up, and his head tilted at a subtly smug angle, golden-brown curls falling just past his ears, and. “Oh my god,” John choked out. “Oh my fucking god, Rodney, that’s you.”

“Well, technically, he looks more like you.” He frowned. “Although no matter how many times I run this, he always ends up with my hair.” Bending back over his laptop, he hmmm’d and bit his lip and completely ignored John and John’s headlong tumble towards freaking out.

“Rodney—”

“Despite his penchant for voodoo, Carson might actually be helpful in determining some of the genetic specifics in this program.”

Behind him, John could hear Zelenka quietly snickering to himself. He shot a glare over his shoulder and the bastard Czech painted a wide-eyed, innocent expression on his face. Simpson and Ager were studiously not looking at him, but their lips were twitching.

“Rodney, what the hell is going on?”

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me this isn’t fascinating.” Rodney shifted his weight and his face turned sort of dreamy and fond, head cocked. “I never thought much of having children before, you know. Too much work with little reward, and no guarantees. But this device actually calculates a map of intelligence and higher brain functions, and, let’s face it, with my brilliance and your ability to be not entirely stupid all the time, as well as our combined good looks, well.” He beamed at John.

John contemplated hitting him. Hard.

“Only one problem, McKay,” John said tightly, because Rodney had called him mama and there was just no way.

Rodney bounced on his feet, not the least bit chagrined by John’s tone. “Yes?”

“I’m not a woman.”

And, of course, his words echoed around the dead silent room, since everyone but Rodney, who was still humming happily over the readouts and waving a dismissive hand at John, was trying very hard to stay as quiet as possible, because – and John really couldn’t blame them – they probably didn’t want to miss even a second of the show.

“Please,” Rodney said, “male pregnancy is practically the least of our problems. Do we really want Timothy to suffer through all your body fur, yet end up with my receding hairline?”

John pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “I’m not having a baby, Rodney,” he said weakly, and Jesus. When had everyone gone insane?

“Shhhhhh,” Rodney hissed, jumping forward and slapping a palm over John’s mouth. “You’re upsetting him!”

And sure enough, the hologram’s hazel eyes were watery and Rodney was right about his eerie resemblance to John – his nose, his forehead, the little points at the tips of his ears - but that wavering pout and ‘buck up, camper’ chin-tilt was all McKay, and shit. He was in so much trouble, because, seeing that, all he wanted to do was gather Timothy up in his arms and tell him he didn’t mean to not have him, but seriously. He wasn’t having a baby, even if regulations and anatomy permitted it. There was just. No way.

John bit Rodney’s hand. Hard.

Rodney yelped and jumped away and glared at him. “You bit me!”

“You’re trying to coerce me into having your baby!” John countered just as viciously, and that’s when he noticed Bates and Ford standing in the doorway to the labs, matching stunned, slack-jawed looks on their faces. Though Bates’ had more of a belligerent, I-knew-it cast, and Ford almost seemed amused. And horrified.

He cleared his throat and nodded. “Lieutenant. Sergeant Bates. What can I do for you?”

Ford recovered first, mouth pulling up into a careful not-smile. “It can wait, sir,” he said.

Bates shot Ford a scowl.

“If you’re arguing about Teyla again, I don’t want to hear it,” John cautioned. Bates was stubborn and surprisingly narrow-minded for someone knee-deep in space exploration, though the guy was scarily fierce about Yahtzee.

John preferred Uno himself.

“No, sir,” Bates said, hands behind his back, but since he didn’t say anything further, John was pretty sure they had been arguing about Teyla.

John sighed and swiped a palm over his forehead. It was just not his day. Or week. Or decade, probably. It was only Monday morning, but he was certain every marine on Atlantis would know about John and Rodney’s hypothetical love child by noon, and since the uproar over Stackhouse and the grass skirt had taken a damn month to settle, John figured he had about three years worth of taunting ahead of him, at least.

When he glanced up again, Timothy was shooting him puppy eyes, and John had to forcibly stop his hand from reaching out and ruffling the little boy’s hair. His sweet, curling hair, and really. Had McKay actually owned those locks once upon a time? He wondered idly what their little girl would look like, maybe with Rodney’s big, blue eyes, and wanted to kill himself.

Just. Thump his head against the wall until his brains oozed out.

Then he realized he was sort of jerking his head, and Ford was staring at him oddly, and Rodney had a narrowed, maybe-I-don’t-want- to-marry-you-and-raise-genius-babies look on his face, and Bates still had that belligerent, I-knew-it cast to his frown, and John gave up.

“Fine,” he muttered under his breath. “Fine.”

He turned to Zelenka – who honestly wasn’t fooling anyone with that bewildered ‘Me, evil? You are joking!’ façade - and growled, “Not one word.” Then he arched his brows at Bates and Ford and forced out, “You don’t really want to know, do you?” and then he grimaced at Rodney and said, “He looks kinda cute with your hair,” and walked out of the labs, pushing past the two marines without looking back.

And he figured that, in the end, everything would be okay, since they were miles away from anything even close to normal, but if Rodney thought there was a chance in hell John’d let anything remotely baby-like come out of his body, he had another think coming. He was so the dad.


Comments

( 133 robots have taken off their pants — Take off your pants )
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ladycat777
May. 30th, 2006 12:22 pm (UTC)
John pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “I’m not having a baby, Rodney,” he said weakly, and Jesus. When had everyone gone insane?

I love you and so want to have your babies. This is hysterically good, from Ford and Bates playing the straight-men to your loving description of Zelenka. Just fantastic!
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:02 pm (UTC)
*laughs* thank you! I must have babies on the brain lately, but at least there was an actual kid in this one :)
(Deleted comment)
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:04 pm (UTC)
*g* thanks, hon! Bates is so stoic all the time, sometimes I really wonder what's going on in that brain of his :) I totally think he's a serious gamer and gets tournements of yahtzee and monopoly and sorry! together, and then scowls darkly when he doesn't win.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - skoosiepants - Jun. 1st, 2006 06:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
kickthebeat
May. 30th, 2006 12:34 pm (UTC)
bates: GAYS. :-w i knew it.
“Smile for your mama, Timothy.”


i am WEEPING. you are so my favourite for now and all of eternity. SERIOUSLY, HOW ARE YOU SO AWESOME? the reactions of everyone else in the room (and ford and bates, jeeeeeeeesus) are my favourite parts, after rodney's COMPLETE EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION. it's amazing and dude, would john go for a cute little girl with big blue eyes and crazy brown hair? yes, definitely. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:07 pm (UTC)
Re: bates: GAYS. :-w i knew it.
*g* thanks! glad you enjoyed it, since, you know, I really am writing about babies an awful lot lately. Hmmmm.
Anyways, you know I can't resist John = woman premises :) And I wasn't entirely sure how to approach Bates, so. I think he takes his boardgames really seriously and gets into fights over them. You know. Maybe.
insipid_paragon
May. 30th, 2006 12:48 pm (UTC)
He wondered idly what their little girl would look like, maybe with Rodney’s big, blue eyes, and wanted to kill himself.

Just. Thump his head against the wall until his brains oozed out.

Totally I'd have your babies, skoosie. 'Cept, ya know, it's not as big an issue for me, since I have all the right equipment. But still. You know.

Cracktastic genius, per your usual. Really, really will get around to watching SGA one of these days. Really. You ought to be proud for getting me to this point.
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:09 pm (UTC)
*g* thank you! John and womanliness and babies is my favorite thing ever now :) I think I have a problem.

Really, really will get around to watching SGA one of these days. Really. You ought to be proud for getting me to this point. *laughs* I honestly am :) One day, the show's genius will hit you out of the blue and then you'll be a true convert :)
krysalys
May. 30th, 2006 01:11 pm (UTC)
*falls off chair laughing hysterically*
HOWL!!!!
*kicking weakly*
Perfect on just so many levels.
----}-@
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:10 pm (UTC)
Re: *falls off chair laughing hysterically*
*giggles* thank you, hon!
lallybroch
May. 30th, 2006 01:11 pm (UTC)
Eeeeeee! I am, of course, A HUGE FAN of Rodney/John genius babies.
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)
*g* of course you are :)

Glad you liked!
eleveninches
May. 30th, 2006 01:45 pm (UTC)
As usual, I love you with the fire of a thousand suns. Bates!!!!!
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)
*laughs* thank you, m'dear!

Ah yes, Bates. He takes his yahtzee very seriously :)
natroga
May. 30th, 2006 02:36 pm (UTC)
This fandom has completely warped me. I never, ever would have *squealed* about mpreg before.

Then he realized he was sort of jerking his head, and Ford was staring at him oddly, and Rodney had a narrowed, maybe-I-don’t-want-to-marry-you-and-raise-genius-babies look on his face

I can actually see him doing that. *iz ded with laffter*
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:13 pm (UTC)
*laughs* thank you, hon!
I never, ever would have *squealed* about mpreg before. oh, me neither. It used to freak me out a little, but now. eh. Just one more odd happening in Pegasus :)
veracity
May. 30th, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC)
*giggles* You know, after watching..what was it? Eight hours or more of the show yesterday, I can finally undertand these things. Oh my word. That was. Poor Timothy. And John. Really poor John. He drew the short end of that stick didn't he? *snickers* But funny just the same.

Then he realized he was sort of jerking his head, and Ford was staring at him oddly, and Rodney had a narrowed, maybe-I-don’t-want-to-marry-you-and-raise-genius-babies look on his face,
*snickers* best part.

You should have named it "Not the Momma." Just saying. ;)
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:15 pm (UTC)
*g* thank you, darlin'! glad you enjoyed it. And really, the best part about McShep is their friendship and bickering banter. Never, ever thought I'd love buddy fics before, but McKay is just... awesomeness in all forms :)

You should have named it "Not the Momma." Just saying. ;) Oh, believe me, the compulsion was there. But then I kept singing that stupid song over and over again in my head and no way :)
(no subject) - veracity - May. 30th, 2006 07:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - skoosiepants - Jun. 1st, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - veracity - Jun. 1st, 2006 06:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
civilbloodshed
May. 30th, 2006 03:21 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes you should be. I mean, you've just reached new levels of cute with this...Timmy you write of. *revels in cuteness*

Since, you know, they all seem to be about five, don't you think Kid!fic is a bit superfluous? Not that it's not a pleasure to read it, but they obviously don't need an excuse to act like kids. ;D!
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
*grins* I'm writing about babies all the time! What is wrong with me?? At least this one wasn't really real :)

Not that it's not a pleasure to read it, but they obviously don't need an excuse to act like kids. ;D! *laughs* you're so right *g*
druidspell
May. 30th, 2006 03:53 pm (UTC)
I just...
You're absolutely right. John is so the dad.
skoosiepants
May. 30th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
*grins* Rodney's in for a surprise there :)

must. stop. writing. babyfic!
(no subject) - lapislaz - May. 31st, 2006 10:22 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - druidspell - May. 31st, 2006 03:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
luthien
May. 30th, 2006 06:43 pm (UTC)
Bwahahahaha. Oh dear. I just woke up the cat. Pooooor John. And oblivious Rodney. And perfectly evil Zelenka. And Bates and Ford appearing right on *that* line - of course. Hee!
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:16 am (UTC)
*g* glad this gave you a laugh!
sp23
May. 30th, 2006 06:47 pm (UTC)
Heee! And I was just thinking today that all the mpregs have McKay enceinte and really, it would only be fair to get John knocked up once in a while. *g* This was fabulous and totally cracked. I like that in a story.
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:17 am (UTC)
*grins* thanks so much! Making John a woman never gets old for me :)
updraftgirl38
May. 30th, 2006 10:47 pm (UTC)
OMG love! *is mildly incoherent* I have never seen an episode of SGA but now you've got me shipping John/Rodney. Seriously love this fic.
“Smile for your mama, Timothy.” Just awesome.
“Despite his penchant for voodoo, Carson might actually be helpful in determining some of the genetic specifics in this program.” You managed to get voodoo in there! So love that word.
updraftgirl38
May. 30th, 2006 10:48 pm (UTC)
. . . and just imagine the quoted parts in italics, since that doesn't seem to be working. *hangs head*
(no subject) - skoosiepants - Jun. 1st, 2006 10:18 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:18 am (UTC)
Re: you are unfailingly
*beams* thanks, hon!
(Deleted comment)
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:19 am (UTC)
*grins* thank you!
palebluebell
May. 31st, 2006 05:58 am (UTC)
-snicker-

Poor John, you so know Rodney's going to end up getting his way.

I loved this - John's reaction to everything was perfect.
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:19 am (UTC)
*grins* thanks so much!
mellyna
May. 31st, 2006 06:00 am (UTC)
This story was a great way to start my day. It was extremely amusing. John just doesn't stand a chance :)

Take care.
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:20 am (UTC)
*g* thank you!
ladystarlightsj
May. 31st, 2006 06:09 am (UTC)
OMG YES!11

With the hologram and the wibbling and brains oozing out, just YES!

(cuddles Timothy)

I will give you ALL the chocolate if you continue this. (makes puppy eyes)
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:21 am (UTC)
*grins* thank you!

I will give you ALL the chocolate if you continue this. (makes puppy eyes) god, I've got horrible "if they mated" images in my head... I think Zelenka would have a blast playing randomly with this program :)
(no subject) - ladystarlightsj - Jun. 2nd, 2006 08:14 am (UTC) - Expand
boochicken
May. 31st, 2006 06:22 am (UTC)
He was in so much trouble, because, seeing that, all he wanted to do was gather Timothy up in his arms and tell him he didn’t mean to not have him.

This is scarily perfect -- John wanting to comfort their not-baby for not wanting to bring him into existence! Awwww.
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:21 am (UTC)
*laughs* thanks! John's such a push-over, really :)
misty4me
May. 31st, 2006 07:21 am (UTC)
I can so see this happening...pure Rodney.
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:22 am (UTC)
*g* I love when Rodney steamrollers John into stuff :) Glad you enjoyed!
szm
May. 31st, 2006 07:34 am (UTC)
You, you .... I love you!
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:22 am (UTC)
*laughs* thank you!
laceymcbain
May. 31st, 2006 08:00 am (UTC)
never anything but
but that wavering pout and ‘buck up, camper’ chin-tilt was all McKay, and shit.

*G* Totally McKay. I love the idea of Rodney checking to see what a child of theirs would look like, and everyone else's reactions were priceless. I cracked up at John fighting his impulses to comfort his holographic progeny, and the last line? Perfect. I love your writing. Your humour rocks, Skooz.
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:25 am (UTC)
Re: never anything but
*beams* thank you so much!
2naonh3_cl2
May. 31st, 2006 08:35 am (UTC)
there are very few authors that can make me laugh out loud, but god, you are one of them. i love this fic. i love that that's john's the mama, and john's body fur, and john wondering about their daughter. screw it. i love this entire fic. thank you for sharing.
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:26 am (UTC)
*grins* thank you! glad it made you laugh :)
bakarti
May. 31st, 2006 08:39 am (UTC)
all he wanted to do was gather Timothy up in his arms and tell him he didn’t mean to not have him *loves*

Awwww! Rodney has already named him! John is *so* having that baby. And then they can try for the girl....

:)
skoosiepants
Jun. 1st, 2006 10:27 am (UTC)
*grins* Yep, I think John doesn't stand a chance against little Timmy-to-be and Rodney :) Glad you enjoyed this!
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( 133 robots have taken off their pants — Take off your pants )

....

“You’re not courting me, are you?” Stiles says, slightly horrified, because oh god, he’s totally courting him, that’s thrilling and frightening at the same time, but then Derek’s ears flatten, so Stiles goes on, “No, no, of course not, that would be weird, you don’t know me, I don’t know you, courting would be so, so, uh, weird. This is totally the fever talking, and you are scary and angry all the time, and you probably just don’t want me dying on your land, getting my carcass all over the place—”

Derek presses his snout over the flat of Stiles’ skull. “Shut up,” he says.

- Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight

....







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panic - pants to match ver. 3
skoosiepants
master of karate and friendship
pants to match

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